To say that 2020 was a shit-show is such an understatement. Too many unexpected things happened that really, really shocked me to the core. I know life is unpredictable, but what happened in 2020 was way beyond my comprehension. Through this post, I just wanted to list down some of the most important slash significant parts of my 2020—be it good or bad. This also serves as an attempt to help me regulate my feelings because I don’t think I have processed them well.
—
I.
I walked into 2020 as a jobless person. Strangely enough, I wasn’t really worried because I had anticipated this. Besides, while I was trying to land myself a new full-time job, thankfully I still had a source of income from a few freelance gigs going here and there. As a person who calls herself a pessimist, I was quite optimistic back then. But then the pandemic happened and there goes my optimism. LOL. Most companies decided to freeze their recruitment process, which was understandable, but it left me hanging. This situation went on for about six months I guess. I felt… hopeless? Helpless? Worthless? Or maybe just all of them mixed into one suffocating feeling. It was brutal, to say the least.
II.
Earlier this year, I learned something about my family—and sadly it’s not good news. I can’t tell what it is, but honestly this is what’s been bugging my mind the most. I just can’t stop thinking about it because it’s a lot bigger than me. I keep thinking, why? Why, why, why, why, WHY?? This situation often keeps me awake at night because until this day I still can’t find a way out. I keep wondering what would’ve happened to my family today had I taken a different choice or decision in life. I just can’t help but think that this is partly my fault. I hope things are turning in my family’s favor next year.
III.
A spark of happiness happened in July when I was given an opportunity to work at an online media company. It’s actually a Jakarta-based company, but the work itself can be carried out remotely so I don’t have to fly out to the city. I was so grateful, you have no idea. I had been waiting for a callback from the companies I had applied to. So to receive one, let alone being accepted—I can’t even put the feeling into words. It just felt so, so nice to hear such good news after months of being left in the dark.
IV.
I lost quite a few people this year. In July, my uncle passed away due to COVID-19. Because of the very same reason, we couldn’t visit his house and meet his family to send our condolences in person. Even though I wasn’t really close to my uncle, he was always so nice to me. I remember how he often cooked me the tastiest fried noodle (not the instant one!) every time I visited him. And I’m sad I didn’t get a chance to say a proper goodbye to him. Rest well, Pakde.
V.
Then in August, one of my editors passed away too. She was the one who taught me things at work. Around two weeks before her passing, I sent her a text but she never replied. Apparently, she had already been hospitalized at that time. Then one afternoon, another editor told us the devastating news on the group chat. Mbak Kur, there were still a lot of things I wanted to learn from you. But thank you so much for being such a great mentor for all of us. You'll be greatly missed.
VI.
The most recent loss I experienced this year happened around two weeks ago. It was my mom’s younger sister. This one left the deepest hollow because I didn’t saw it coming. No one did. Yes, I know death is something we can’t ever predict but my aunt’s passing just happened too quickly. I remember it was Thursday morning, my mom got a call from her brother’s wife, saying that my aunt fainted and was taken to the hospital. We weren’t worried, at first, because we thought it wasn’t anything serious. But not until one hour later, there was another call saying that my aunt passed away. What is going on? My mind went blank. Mom broke down in tears. Suddenly I didn’t know how to think. It felt so surreal.
I’ve dealt with a few losses before, but my aunt’s passing was like nothing I’ve ever experienced. Even when my best friend Puce passed away in 2013, it didn’t shock me as much as this one although I was devastated still. What saddens me more is the fact that I didn’t get to spend much time with my aunt this year due to COVID-19. I think the last time I met her was in early March, right before the pandemic. To this day, I still can hardly believe that she’s no longer with us. This whole thing really got me thinking, how we think we always have more time when in fact we don’t. And to think that we have no control over that—it’s just so scary.
VII.
With so many awful things that happened this year, I’m actually amazed at myself for surviving this far. And I owe my friends a lot for that. Since I spent most of my time at home this year, I found it so tempting to cut ties with people and shut myself out from the world. To hell with my own promise to open up more this year. But thank God that didn’t happen because my friends kept reaching out to me.
Different friends, on different days, constantly sent me texts asking me how I was. Sometimes we have video calls too. Some of them also liked to send random memes or jokes. One friend even became my fangirling partner. They were all very simple gestures but meant a lot to me. I know I’m not the easiest person to deal with since I have this invisible wall I built around myself. But my friends have been so patient trying to get me out of that wall. And they always understand whenever I need to go back inside that wall alone. I can’t thank them enough.
VIII.
I talked a bit about this here, how this year turned me into a fan of Thai pop culture. It actually started when I accidentally sent the wrong text to one of my friends. I can’t remember the details but she ended up recommending me a few Thai BL series to watch. At first, I thought it was just gonna be a one-time thing only. But before I knew it I already ditched my western series because I kept searching for new Thai BL series to watch.
Long story short, I found myself enjoying various content about Thai pop culture, including its variety shows and music. I’ve even followed so many Thai actors on social media! It’s just so fun to see them interact with each other. What’s more fun is I have my friend to share the excitement with so I don’t have to fangirl alone. It’s been a very effective distraction—this whole Thai pop culture thing. When I watch a Thai series or just scroll over a hashtag on Twitter, for a moment I can forget about all of the worrying things that occupy my mind a lot. Above all that, it just feels nice to know that I’m still capable of feeling happy.
IX.
Now that I’ve watched a number of Thai series, I can mention a few of my favorites. But one title impressed me the most: I Told Sunset about You (ITSAY). This series was one of the best things that happened to me this year. PERIOD. It made my 2020 less suck. Although it was introduced as a BL series, I think ITSAY is much more than that. Throughout its five episodes, ITSAY addressed the dynamic relationship between two boys in such an in-depth way. They did it by providing these beautiful details, each served as a symbol that completed the story as a whole. You had to read between the lines to really grasp the meaning behind a certain thing. It didn’t stop there. The cinematography was magnificent. Each actor also delivered such an effortless acting skill. All of those created a masterpiece that sets a new standard for the BL series industry.
—
So that was it.
This may sound exaggerating, but I feel like I didn’t accomplish anything in 2020, which makes me feel like a total failure. I know many people say that surviving this year is already an achievement in itself considering the whole situation. But, still, that feeling keeps demanding to be felt. And as much as I want to believe that 2021 will be much better than this year, no one can really guarantee that. I know I said that I’d focus on things that I can control, but that doesn’t erase the fact that I’m still scared—so much.
I can only hope I’ll always find the strength to keep going. Fingers crossed.
No comments:
Post a Comment