Dear Puce (2)

Hi, Kak.

I know, I know. I haven't been thinking about you for quite a while, and honestly sometimes I forget there was a time when you were ever here with us. It only happens for, like, a second, but I feel really guilty about it. And when that happens, it feels like I'm being reminded of how much you meant to me. Because you did mean a lot to me, Kak.

The reason why I'm writing this is that I just finished watching 13 Reasons Why season four. In the final episode, one of the main characters died because of a severe illness. The doctor told his family that he didn't have a long time. So his family and friends were constantly visiting him at the hospital, trying to spend as much time together as possible. They all even got a chance to say goodbye to him.

I don't know, Kak, those scenes just reminded me of you. I just felt sad all of a sudden and I couldn't hold it anymore. Before I knew it, I was already crying.

I remember the night before you died when some of us had to rush to the hospital because your condition got worse and the doctor told us that you badly needed blood donations. I remember we were asked to go to the blood bank center to donate our blood. I remember rushing back to the hospital, your mom let us meet you. I remember you lying on the hospital bed, half-conscious, with your dad sitting beside you reciting Quran. You didn't even know we were there, Kak. I remember coming out of your room while trying to hold back the tears. I remember hugging Bida and Bina before driving home. We didn't say much to each other but somehow we knew that, you know, that was it.

I remember not saying goodbye to you.

And I guess that's why I cried. I envy those people in 13 Reasons Why who got to say a proper goodbye to their friend. Well, I did visit your cemetery right after your funeral. And, yes, in a way I bid a farewell to you there. But I'm sorry I didn't say it to you directly, Kak. I'm sorry I never said that I love you when you were still able to hear it. I'm sorry it took so long for me to finally do it. I want you to know that I was really grateful for our friendship and I never took it for granted.

Kak, the world is such a mess right now. We have been in a pandemic situation for about three months. I can't really go into details right now, but it has affected all of us in so many different ways. I'm trying to stay sane, which is hard because I have many things to stress about. Talking to our friends helps a lot. I text Sekar every day and sometimes I have video calls with Bida and Bina. This gets me wondering, though, how you would have coped in a situation like this. I bet we also would have talked a lot ya, Kak. Maybe just sending stupid memes and recommending songs to each other.

I really miss you, Kak. I love you. I'm sorry I just said it now. Rest well.