They produce all these unhealthy thoughts that make me want to succumb and just perish. Like why was I born in this shit-show of a country where the people in power don't give a single fuck to our well-being? They have all these resources to create better policies but no, they keep taking what they can take even if these things don't belong to them.
Their incompetencies make a lot of people suffer. They make me suffer because what do you mean it's so hard to find a stable job these days? What do you mean I'm too old to get employed? What do you mean I'm not allowed to have a decent salary without getting myself burned out? Just give me a death sentence already, will you?
For fuck's sake, these gears in my brain need to pause for a second.
Oh wait, no, another thought slipped out of my brain machine. This time it's about my family. It's complicated, but when is it not? One day you love your parents so much you're so grateful for them, but on another day you despise them with all your heart's content you wish you weren't born. How can one's heart be filled with as much pain as love for the same people?
What if these pains outweigh the love one day? What would happen then? Would I have enough courage to stand up for myself and maybe leave them? Wouldn't that be too selfish? Or would I be too coward to say anything so I'd just suck it up and rot myself to die? Neither option sounds right. Can't I just perish now?
But of course right now I'm still very much here. I'm still here and alive and on the other side of the world, people are dying. Yes, I'm talking about Palestine. It's been almost a year and they still aren't free from Israel's monstrosity. I'm sorry for taking this post into a darker turn but honestly, what a fucked up world we're living in right now.
And the gears in my brain still show no signs of stopping.
What is it this time? Can you please just stop? Please? I'm afraid my brain machine—or even my body—will decide to forcefully shut itself down without any warning and one day I will just collapse in broad daylight.
Oh, wait, that wouldn't be too bad. At least I wouldn't have to suffer anymore.
At least the gears in my brain would finally stop working.
