How Living as An Adult Feels Like

I’m scared. Please turn back the time so I can stay in my early 20s forever. What do I do with all these burdens and expectations? Panic panic panic. Am I running out of time? Why do people keep running? Oh wait I think I’m okay. This isn’t as bad as I feared them to be. Life feels fine. Have I finally figured things out? Nope never mind I jinxed it. Please tell me this isn’t happening. Am I gonna be okay? Just swallow me whole please I don’t want to survive. Oh no I can’t leave my family and friends behind. But I don’t know if I can hold on any longer. Crying sobbing screaming. I feel like a failure. I am a failure. What do I do what do I do what I do. I’m sorry I’m not successful yet. I’m sorry for being slow. Please leave me alone. Please keep me company. I just want to feel content. Where do I start? Please.

The Future Looks So Bleak

I don't know if I'm hitting rock bottom right now, but I feel like I am.

I used to tell myself that everything was just a phase. It's not forever. But things have been going wrong for months so I can't help but think that this hell-ish situation will last forever.

I can't see a way out. I'm drowning.

I'm scared.

Help. Please help.

Dear Puce (3)

Hi, Kak.

Been thinking about you a lot these past few months. The other week I was so bored I ended up Googling my name just to kill time. Guess what I found! Your old blog post showed up on the search results, the one you wrote for my birthday. You even included my old selfie in that blog post! I was so embarrassed seeing that photo because I looked so young and naive.

But the birthday message, Kak, it was short but it was enough to make me teared up a bit. The message was actually quite funny, but the thing is, I read the blog post in your voice and it felt like you suddenly appeared beside me. Deep down, I was also relieved that I could still remember your voice so clearly. See, I haven't forgotten about you.

Then last July, I met up with Bida, Bina, Mega, and Gres. Yes, our little circle of friends in college, Kak. Honestly, I can't remember when was the last time we had had a full-team hangout session like this (maybe at Mega's wedding in 2019). You probably know that Bida, Bina, and I meet quite regularly since we live in the same city, but Mega's been living in Tomohon since she got married and Gres moved to Jakarta a few years ago for work. That's why this one felt special.

We also took a lot of pictures before going back home and being separated again. I posted one of the photos on my IG Stories, to which Ujin replied with a question, "The gang is back! Kek kurang siapa, ya?" And so I answered her, "Kurang Puce."

Oh, things I'd do to have you here with us again, Kak. 😢

And then last week, I decided to organize some files on my laptop. I was so taken aback when I found a conversation chat between me and your Mom. It was an old message from 2014. Your Mom texted me to ask if I had just visited you, to which I answered that yes, I did visit you with some of our friends. She then replied with the sweetest answer ever I couldn't help getting teared up reading it again.

Nine years later since that short conversation and we still remember you dearly, Kak. We always will.

I'm so sorry I haven't visited you in a long time, but please do know that I keep you in my prayers. And honestly, I don't know what I'm trying to tell you through this post. I think I've just been missing you a lot more than usual. Please say hi to me in my dream, ya, Kak. Rest well.